Truths Left Unspoken
by x-NewGirlInTown-x
Summary: Entry for the Honeydukes Competition. When all is said and done, there is often so much left to say, and nothing that can be done. An unsent letter from Sirius to Remus... Please RxR.


**Disclaimer: **If this is a dinner, then JK Rowling made the food and I'm just playing with it.

**A/N: **OK everyone, something a bit different this time! This is an entry for the **Honeydukes Competition** over at **HPFC**. Big thanks go to _**owluvr**_ for creating the comp - it's a fantastic idea, you should definitely check it out! I wrote this for the _'Sugar Quill'_ section - the idea was to post something written, be it a letter, diary entry etc. This was the result. Enjoy!

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_Remus-_

_My old friend-_

_I know you-_

_Moony,_

_I know you don't want to hear from me. I know how he made it look but…_

_You think I'm guilty. That's OK, old friend, really. I truly don't blame you. After all, I've betrayed your trust before; back when we were young and stupid, and oblivious to the horrors ahead. But that's all it was, Remus: youth and stupidity. I was arrogant and reckless, and so many things that I now wish I hadn't been. But I was also loyal. I hope you can agree with that. _

_Please know that the forgiveness you and James granted me…I would never betray that trust again, Moony. I promise you. The stupidity I showed – and I _was _stupid, I know that now – didn't shape me as an adult._

_But the loyalty _did_. I swear it. The eternally youthful, naïve part of me (though smaller now than it has ever been) hopes that you know that already. The more sensible part of me – rarely seen, I know - accepts that you don't. I cannot and will not hold that against you. I too, was guilty of unfounded doubt. Doubt in you. I thought it possible that _you_ were Voldemort's spy. For that, my friend, I am truly sorry. _

_Your doubt in me is justified. I accept it. I've made mistakes. In truth, Moony, I've made more than you will ever know. But I did not do this. I have to hope you can at least believe in that._

_He was my brother, Remus. More than that; he was a part of me. To hurt him or his family - in _any _way - would have violated the strongest and most sacred bond I have ever shared with another human being. I love him. Still, even now, even though he's…him and Lily… They were my family, Moony. You were _all _my family. And I would never turn my back on that. _

_I _am _guilty, Remus. I killed James and Lily, I don't deny it. But I didn't betray them. I would have died first. I beg you, please believe that._

_Pettigrew is the rat. Once again, my childish arrogance cost me dearly; it cost me everything. I thought I was so clever, making the switch. I truly thought that I could outsmart Voldemort. I stupidly thought Peter was just as loyal as I; I believed he would have died for James, as James would have done for him. _

_I was wrong. _

_My apologies are worthless now, but I'm sorry. You have no idea how truly sorry I am._

_That night in Godric's Hollow…I was there Remus. I went there as soon as I heard what had happened; as soon as I realised what a fool I'd been. How could I not? He was my brother. I had to know…I had to see what I'd done. Had to see it with my own eyes._

_Even if I wasn't where I am now, what I saw that night will haunt me forever. It was the night I lost everything. I took his body in my arms and wept - for the loss of not two, but _four_ of my best friends. _

_It's my fault, Remus. It's all my fault. They were wrong to trust me, to have faith in me. I failed them. I failed you all._

_I'm a killer. I killed my own best friend. When I think about that…I wish for death. I wish for The Kiss, just to escape the gnawing, clawing, sickening guilt inside of me. But I know I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to die. _

_Even death is too good for me._

_When I die, I'm not naïve enough to think for a second that I'll follow Lily and Prongs. But more than that, I don't want to. The knowledge that even now, after everything, he would greet me with open arms; all forgiven, brothers to the end… It sickens me. _

_I won't deny that the selfish part of me craves forgiveness; you always could tell when I was lying, after all. But I know I don't deserve it, from either James or you. Just like I didn't deserve it all those years ago._

_Why then, am I writing to you? You won't ever receive it – they don't exactly have owl post on this God-forsaken rock. So what am I looking for? Absolution, though I know I could never be worthy of it? Condemnation, from the only juror left in this world from which I could ever really fear such a thing?_

_No. I want the former, true, but I know I don't deserve it. The latter, I deserve but selfishly don't want._

_No, I don't think I'm doing this for me. For once in my life at least, I think I can truly say I'm being selfless. I think I'm writing this for you. I guess I just wanted to give you the one thing you always craved more than any of the rest of us, Moony: knowledge._

_I wanted you to _know_. Not to forgive, or to condemn: believe me, no-one can hate me more now than I do myself. I just wanted you to know._

_The truth, Remus. Here is the truth. It's the only thing I have left to give you, and I give it with all my heart. In this one instance, I solemnly swear that I am trying to do good._

_Be well, old friend. And above all else, be safe. I've already lost so much, including you. I don't think I could lose you twice._

_Padfoot._

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**A/N:** Please let me know what you think! NG xxx


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